wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
