She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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