I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
