Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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