dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
