Please don't use social media to get back at me.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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