saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
