oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize