my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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