Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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