so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
