please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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