Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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