Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
