ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
