turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
