my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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