Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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