Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
im having a threesome with these popsicles
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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