kristin has been a bad kristin
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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