DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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