After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
