just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
