stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
