Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
