gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She tied me up with her honor cords...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
