I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
