i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
