Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
