Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize