some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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