I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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