she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
