Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
