I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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