I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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