the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
