So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
