I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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