yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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