wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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