FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
