make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize