Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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