just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
