so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
