I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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