I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
