SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
