She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize