so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
