I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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