apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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