I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
