i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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