I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
