I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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