I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
