Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
