The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
